I thought that the feedback letter was extremely helpful. What I learned from it is that my audience and purpose is clear. The editor labeled that the purpose was to target students to try and get involved in the Northstar community. The audience stated was VT students, however my intended audience is anyone interested in attending and becoming involved and does include, but is not strictly limited to VT students.
Ben thought that my paragraphs on the food and music were good because a college aged student would be interested in these aspects of the church and service. As far as breaking down lyrics from worship songs, he said it was not necessary.
I need to talk more about the main message and describe the worship session on a more personal level.
Finally, it may be beneficial to omit the paragraphs on weekly announcements and offering because they aren't supportive to the purpose.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
More on... "What makes a good essay?"
According to both Encountering the Essay and Essayist on the Essay, the term essay is too broad of a topic to really be defined. Encountering the Essay chooses to describe it by listing what is commonly classified under the heading of “an essay”- such as celebrity profiles, interviews, reviews, reportage, scientific papers, or newspaper columns. Essayist on the Essay chooses to state what is not an essay- poetry or fiction writing. A good essay is “personal, reflective, and leisurely”. To me this means that if you are taking a story telling approach (opposed to the typical five paragraph) then your story must be true, and it must be delivered in an honest manner such that the topic is interesting, but not exaggerated beyond belief. Anne Dillard’s Stunt Pilot is also listed as an example of a good essay. This is because Dillard touches on the requirements and facts of an article but ands the literary demands such as metaphors and descriptions to enhance the essay quality. Finally the ideal essay is “searching for something and taking [the reader] along”.
In order to make my essay a good essay I need to do a number of things. First I need to make sure that I have a clear and defined purpose and audience. This will help me snag the readers interest and take them along and make them feel a part of the essay as if they were actually experiencing it. One of the qualities listed above that contributes to a good essay is meeting literary demands such as metaphors and descriptions. I do think that my draft has a lot of great description in it. I think description is great, but I also need to make sure that the description is focused and enhancing the writing by adding substance, not just length. The descriptions need to be telling about different things through the essay or describing the same thing in many different, creative ways. If it is too repetitious it is overkill and only takes away from the quality. Finally my essay needs more structure and sentence variety, but this can be easily fixed when moving on to the “up draft”.
In order to make my essay a good essay I need to do a number of things. First I need to make sure that I have a clear and defined purpose and audience. This will help me snag the readers interest and take them along and make them feel a part of the essay as if they were actually experiencing it. One of the qualities listed above that contributes to a good essay is meeting literary demands such as metaphors and descriptions. I do think that my draft has a lot of great description in it. I think description is great, but I also need to make sure that the description is focused and enhancing the writing by adding substance, not just length. The descriptions need to be telling about different things through the essay or describing the same thing in many different, creative ways. If it is too repetitious it is overkill and only takes away from the quality. Finally my essay needs more structure and sentence variety, but this can be easily fixed when moving on to the “up draft”.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Group Discussion and Week Summary
Today in our groups we dicussed the options for our essays narrative/story-like, informative/formal essay, or a combination of both. Each member discussed who their intended audience was and also the purpose of the essay. For a few of us the purpose was trying to get to members to join our community and the audience was therefor anyone interested in becomming part of the community. Only on group member wrote an introduction, so we read it over and decided that we needed a more clear purpose in order to make a less general audience. At first we thought that our essay needed to be more story-like because of the excerpts/essays we have been reading, but then we learned that we just read them to give a spin on the types of academic essays we are used to seeing.
As far as the week that is almost nearly behind me, I got a chemistry test out of the way (although it wasn't the greatest experience). I am looking forward to the weekend. Tonight I plan to attend the women's volleyball game and cheer on my fellow Hokies. The rest of the weekend will hopfully go to getting ahead in class and relaxing. I sure hope the weather clears up. Rain tends to keep me locked in the dorm room : (
As far as the week that is almost nearly behind me, I got a chemistry test out of the way (although it wasn't the greatest experience). I am looking forward to the weekend. Tonight I plan to attend the women's volleyball game and cheer on my fellow Hokies. The rest of the weekend will hopfully go to getting ahead in class and relaxing. I sure hope the weather clears up. Rain tends to keep me locked in the dorm room : (
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Essay Feedback
Well I just got the feedback on my research proposal, and to be honest I’m pretty overwhelmed right now. After reading the comments I didn’t realize I would be making such large adjustments at this point. In reviewing the comments it seems that a large portion of my essay (the justification section) is not actually advancing the research I am proposing, it is only related. This is somewhat frustrating because to me the most interesting piece of the essay is the information from my site visit and interviews which doesn’t support the proposed research. Since there wasn’t any real research performed at Northstar the effects of technology and contemporary music can’t be directly measured. The effects I was going off of were simply my opinions that suggested certain outcomes from what I obtained from my site visit and interview.
I don’t want to completely get rid of the justification section so I am going to use this information for the upcoming essay, or I am going to have to demonstrate more specifically how my site visit/interview shows a connection between advanced technology and contemporary music on number of new members.
The other corrections seem to be somewhat simple and easy to fix. Right now I’m just stumped and still uncertain as to which way I should go next.
I don’t want to completely get rid of the justification section so I am going to use this information for the upcoming essay, or I am going to have to demonstrate more specifically how my site visit/interview shows a connection between advanced technology and contemporary music on number of new members.
The other corrections seem to be somewhat simple and easy to fix. Right now I’m just stumped and still uncertain as to which way I should go next.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
"Essays"
The Stunt Pilot, by Annie Dillard, is an “essay” because of the great descriptions and comparison by use of similes and metaphors. Dillard’s portrayal of the art of stunt piloting as well as the report of her own fascinations, makes the reader more drawn to the topic and makes you feel as if you too can also appreciate this “art” without even witnessing it. She describes the planes movements with similes such as the plane: “arched its back like a gymnast”, “played with its own line like a cat with yarn”, and “split the bulging rim of the future along its seam”. She describes the landscape by painting a picture with her words such as in the sentence, “Vaguely I could see the chrome sea twirling over Rahm’s head like a baton, and the dark islands sliding down the skies like rain.” I think that the essay is great because it uses a ton of description, but the description is not overkill. It is done in a poetic artsy manner and blends in the story Dillard is telling.
The well renowned Gay Telese captures the disposition and relationship between each of the characters in Ali in Havana. Talese describes Stevenson, the local three time Olympic gold medalist, as “a proud man who exhibits all of his height (with a) firm jaw and his oval shaped head locked at a right angle to his straight spined back.” She tells that Stevenson and Ali have a distinct relationship although they do not speak the same language or even communicate much at all. They are “brotherly in their body language”. When approached by Castro, Ali’s hesitation is portrayed through the sentence “His expression remains characteristically fixed and benign, and his eyes do not blink despite the flashbulbs of several surrounding photographers.” The closeness of Ali and his wife is represented when Yolanda begins to “caress (Ali’s) left wrist, on which is a silver Swiss Army watch she bought him…the only jewelry (he) wears.”
Although I did have some trouble retrieving the entire excerpt of Silent Dancing, I was drawn to the distinction between the view of Cofer’s mother and father of living in El Building in New Jersey. Her father had ordered Judith and her family to keep to themselves and not talk to any of the other families living above or below them. These orders were put into place so that the family wouldn’t develop any bonds, making it easier to leave the barrio (neighborhood). To her mother, the building was “comfort”. She enjoyed the familiar language-Spanish, familiar smells-red kidney beans, and familiar music- Salsas. For some reason I thought it was ironic that what driving one parents to leave the area and move away was the comfort of the other.
The well renowned Gay Telese captures the disposition and relationship between each of the characters in Ali in Havana. Talese describes Stevenson, the local three time Olympic gold medalist, as “a proud man who exhibits all of his height (with a) firm jaw and his oval shaped head locked at a right angle to his straight spined back.” She tells that Stevenson and Ali have a distinct relationship although they do not speak the same language or even communicate much at all. They are “brotherly in their body language”. When approached by Castro, Ali’s hesitation is portrayed through the sentence “His expression remains characteristically fixed and benign, and his eyes do not blink despite the flashbulbs of several surrounding photographers.” The closeness of Ali and his wife is represented when Yolanda begins to “caress (Ali’s) left wrist, on which is a silver Swiss Army watch she bought him…the only jewelry (he) wears.”
Although I did have some trouble retrieving the entire excerpt of Silent Dancing, I was drawn to the distinction between the view of Cofer’s mother and father of living in El Building in New Jersey. Her father had ordered Judith and her family to keep to themselves and not talk to any of the other families living above or below them. These orders were put into place so that the family wouldn’t develop any bonds, making it easier to leave the barrio (neighborhood). To her mother, the building was “comfort”. She enjoyed the familiar language-Spanish, familiar smells-red kidney beans, and familiar music- Salsas. For some reason I thought it was ironic that what driving one parents to leave the area and move away was the comfort of the other.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Workshop and Revising
At our first workshop in class, it was really helpful reading our first section out loud. This way we got feedback as to whether or not the group members could assume what research you were actually proposing and who the audience was. If they couldn't then we knew we needed to add more to our papers. We didn't have time to read each person’s paper, but what we did instead was reread our own papers. We discussed that sometimes in the relief of actually finishing writing a paper we don't even read the entire thing through. Instead we click print and bring it to class. Rereading my paper the entire way through I found "silly" mistakes such as forgetting to put a word in or typing a word twice by accident. We also discussed the possibility of adding an abstract or cost section to a few of our proposals.
On another note-
LETS GO STEELERS!! BEAT THOSE JAGS!!
And yet another note-
This weekend was pretty busy. The swim team hosted seniors in high school who we are recruiting to swim at VT next year. They come from states all over such as Pennsylvania, South Carolina, and Florida. We showed them around campus, took them to the football game, and let them get to know the team. For this reason Sunday is now dedicated to homework, and I must get back to list of things to do.
On another note-
LETS GO STEELERS!! BEAT THOSE JAGS!!
And yet another note-
This weekend was pretty busy. The swim team hosted seniors in high school who we are recruiting to swim at VT next year. They come from states all over such as Pennsylvania, South Carolina, and Florida. We showed them around campus, took them to the football game, and let them get to know the team. For this reason Sunday is now dedicated to homework, and I must get back to list of things to do.
Revising
What’s your project? In this essay, I would like to propose research. By using background information, an interview, and multiple site visits, explain why the research is necessary and how it would be beneficial.
What works? I think the strength of my draft is using factual information such as statistics as well as opinions such as direct quotes. I can build on this strength by making sure that the quantitative and qualitative information that I use is stated in a way that adds to the paper and doesn’t take away from the paper (if a bunch of confusing numbers were listed that weren’t supportive, or a quote was very wordy and unclear).
What else might be said? I am still deciding whether there is a need to add an abstract since my actual proposal is towards the end of the paper, or if the background information is enough said. I am also considering adding a cost section. Although my proposal does not ask for a certain amount of funding it does ask for specific equipment and I may need to research into how much this equipment actually costs.
What’s next? Since the work is a research proposal the next step would be the actual research. Hopefully the proposal will be very clear, but will still leave the reader thinking about other possible opinions or options of research related to the topic at hand.
What works? I think the strength of my draft is using factual information such as statistics as well as opinions such as direct quotes. I can build on this strength by making sure that the quantitative and qualitative information that I use is stated in a way that adds to the paper and doesn’t take away from the paper (if a bunch of confusing numbers were listed that weren’t supportive, or a quote was very wordy and unclear).
What else might be said? I am still deciding whether there is a need to add an abstract since my actual proposal is towards the end of the paper, or if the background information is enough said. I am also considering adding a cost section. Although my proposal does not ask for a certain amount of funding it does ask for specific equipment and I may need to research into how much this equipment actually costs.
What’s next? Since the work is a research proposal the next step would be the actual research. Hopefully the proposal will be very clear, but will still leave the reader thinking about other possible opinions or options of research related to the topic at hand.
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